Phone Calls and Fan Art
by A Clockwork Pumelo
Summary: Just a little story I wrote with Artemis, Holly and Foaly discussing the merits of their graphic novel, Foaly finding inappropriate fan art, Artemis stripping, and all of them breaking the fourth wall. Why is inside.


**Holly and the Fan Art**

**By A Clockwork Pumelo**

**I recently found the Artemis Fowl graphic novel at the UW book store, and was immediately horrified at how it portrays all of the characters. Seriously, did the people who drew that thing even read the books? I'm willing to bet that they, as well as quite a lot of people on Deviantart did not, since holly is clearly described as wearing a "stealth black jumpsuit" in the second chapter of the first book, as well as having hazel eyes and short, buzz cut auburn hair. That's only the tip of the griping iceberg though, so I decided to write a little story about Holly, Foaly, and Artemis discussing the merits (or lack) of their comic book adventures along with a jab at all the 'holly-artemis-omfg-it's-burning-my-eyes-out' pictures on Deviantart. Oh, and don't blink, or you'll miss the fanservice!**

The communicator ring on Holly's finger buzzed lightly.

"Hello? who is it?" she said, forming a 'phone' with her hand and flipping the cover of the graphic novel she was reading shut.

"Hey Holly, it's me. You know, your favorite technological genius centaur? Anyhow, how's the vacation going? Been kidnapped again by any mud boy criminal masterminds?" The centaur whinnied into Holly's ear.

"Actually no, Foaly. But I _am_ over at Fowl manor. Artemis said he wanted to show me something hilarious, and I couldn't pass up the chance to go visit him. He's really grown in these last few years. Almost twice my height by now." She absentmindedly rummaged around for a bookmark, but found only a piece of paper. Over the sound of typing in the background, she could hear the centaur snort.

"So Fowl call you up and says he's got something you might be interested in, and you just go and show up at his door? Holly, Holly, have you gone _insane? _Not even a stake out? I know the mud boy is your friend, he's mine too, but you can't go taking chances like that. Who knows what he could have waiting for-" Foaly gnashed his horsy teeth as Holly burst into fits of laughter.

"F-Foaly, shut up! If you saw what he had here for me, you'd be laughing too! It's the most ludicrous mud man book ever!" Foaly adjusted his tin foil hat and doubled his typing speed, searching.

"What is it Holly? _Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy? The Deeper Meaning of Liff? _Or is it by that one mud man... Bill Bryson? come on Holly, I'd just dying here!" Holly chuckled and set the book down on the table. The title read _'Artemis Fowl: The Graphic Novel'_.

"Oh, none of that. It's a book about all of us. The artwork is the best part... or the worst, in your and Mulch's cases. Check it out, I'm sure you can find it on the internet." A few moments of silence, in which Foaly ran a search, got the results, and when he clicked on the first one, quickly excused himself to go puke in the wastebasket.

"Holly, what in Frond's name _is_ this s***?!?" Holly was taken aback, but curious as to what the centaur had found to get such a reaction.

"Umm... what do you have at your end?" She hurriedly opened the book to a random page, not finding anything too horrible.

"It's like... you... and Artemis... and Butler... and... Oh _gods_ Holly, tell me this is photoshopped..." he sent a picture file to her helmet (custom designed by him of course) and she opened it.

"AHHHH!!! Oh gods, that is just SO WRONG!!!" she clapped her hands over her eyes like a troll in a spotlight. After closing the abominable file, she reformed her hand into a receiver and spoke.

"What the HELL was that for Foaly?!?" She spat down the line.

"That is for the three-meter, high definition plasma view _I_ had to see." Was his acetic reply. Holly pitied him, but only for a second.

"So, who makes this stuff anyways? I mean, jeez Foaly, I thought you were keeping tabs on the mud men's media!" She waved the book to illustrate her point, though Foaly couldn't see.

"It's called... fan art. And there's lots of it. But anyways, that little distasteful retina-singeing aside, what about that graphic novel hmm?" Holly held her helmet camera up to the book's cover, and downloaded the entire thing via her helmet's Omni sensor. She sent the file to Foaly.

"Check it out, you look so silly! And mulch looks like a freaking chimpanzee!!! And Butler h-has no head!!!" Foaly opened the file and was treated to a ten foot tall view of someone who was definitely NOT Butler leering down at him like a brick wall, with the head tacked on as an afterthought.

"Oh, holly, I'm going to have _lots_ of fun with this... although they did get Julius and the troll right at least." He closed the file and sent it to the 'keep for entertainment during boring meetings' file. The computer chirped, almost smugly, informing him that the move had been successful. Back in Fowl Manor, Artemis had just come home from school, or 'the holding pen' as he sometimes called it. He walked over to Holly, smiled at the book in her hand, and formed the same phone shape with the hand that was not busy unbuttoning the ugly uniform vest he wore.

"Hello Foaly. I assume you have been speaking with Holly about the graphic novel. Quite amusing, I know, aside from all the blatant fan service and the fact that my head is definitely not shaped like an ice cream cone." The raven haired genius flung his hated school uniform behind him, where it joined a small pile of clothes in a wicker basket.

"Yeah Fowl, and I'm not an overweight sprite." the centaur checked his reflection in one of the older computer screens. Still tan, with long chestnut hair pulled back in a lazy ponytail (pardon the pun).

"And I don't look like Lily freaking Frond! I mean, look, they gave me _cleavage? _Seriously? And the hair..." Holly ran a hand through her buzz cut and watched the mud boy strip out of his school clothes with an unholy passion, flinging them into the same pile as his vest.

"But hey, at least they gave you boobs, that's something, right Holly?" A long string of Old Elfish came down the line at Foaly, who chortled when he heard Holly get so mad. Artemis stopped, halfway through flinging his ridiculously starched dress shirt towards the clothes pile. It fell from his hand, unnoticed, as the boy stood there in his black boxers and processed exactly _what_ Holly was calling Foaly. It wasn't a pretty image, and he really didn't want to let his brain have any more time to ponder on it, so he grabbed the suit hanging on the back of the door and began to dress, thinking _Artemis, Artemis, you really have no shame do you? But those wretched school clothes... I must check if they are woven from human hair, nothing could be more itchy... I just want one of my cotton suits..._

"Relax, Holly, I'm just kidding. Besides, aren't you glad you don't go around slapping yourself in the chin every time you try to run like Lily does?" Holly stopped cussing and thought about that for a minute, and Artemis, who was now putting on a pair of black suit pants caught the look on her face before she threw her head back and laughed, overcome with mirth.

"Sorry, what is so funny Holly? I was kind of busy getting properly dressed. Those school pants are extremely ill cut." She looked back at Artemis, who was now sitting in one of the faux leather chairs, thankfully dressed in his preferred black, two-piece suit.

"Oh, nothing. Just another officer we're gossiping about. Honestly Artemis, you wouldn't want to know." He leaned forward in his chair, mismatched eyes intense.

"Oh, I think I _do_. You know how curious I am." He smiled at her, straight white teeth glittering in the lamplight. That smile always gave Holly the chills, and told her that he would not accept no for an answer.

"Ok Artemis, since you _must_ know. Corporal Lily Frond is the biggest bimbo in the LEP. Foaly was talking about how huge her boobs are. And yes, they really do slap her in the face sometimes if she's not careful. Trust me, I was in the same basic training class as her, and it's not as sexy as you would think. There, happy Arty?" The pale teen stared at her.

"Holly, I believe the slang expression 'TMI' conveys the disturbing nature of your answer." The blank expression turned into a smile when he heard Foaly's reply.

"Hah, how's _that_ for jiggle physics mud boy!" The centaur whinnied into both of their ears. Artemis chuckled, which for him was quite a display of humor.

"But no really, speaking of all that is jiggly and gross, Holly, show Artemis that picture. I'm sure the mud boy will _absolutely love it." _Something in Foaly's tone made Artemis wary of accepting the helmet Holly offered him, but nevertheless he placed it to his face, his large cranium having outgrown the fairy helmets years ago.

"Holly... is this the right file? Because it's making me want to vomit." Holly took the helmet off Artemis's head and watched the horror in his eyes.

"Congratulations mud boy, you have just been introduced to the world of fan art." Artemis had calmed down somewhat, his mind calculating and analyzing, and very angry at Holly.

"Holly, if I didn't know you could kill me right where I sit, I would hit you for that, because it's probably going to scar me for life. Also, with this evidence, it can be deduced that the world we live in is, in all actuality, an illusion and we ourselves are simply figments of someone's imagination." He raised a hand to silence the elf when she opened her mouth. "This also means that, if we are indeed only characters in a story, there must be an author pulling the strings. See, just now he wrote that you tried to interrupt me." Holly gave Artemis a look that told him many things, the most prominent of which was '_Yep, Artemis, congratulations, you've finally lost your mind'._

"Are you getting this Foaly? Foaly? Hello?" the centaur typed furiously for another minute while the silence stretched like the smug smile on the Fowl boy's face.

"Uh, yeah Holly, I'm getting all of this loud and clear. I'm also finding the data to back up our little mud boy's theories. This is getting disturbing." The centaur patted the aluminum foil to make sure it was secure.

"... and if we are to assume that said author is controlling, writing every word we say and every move we make, then it also makes sense that there may well be other people reading about us right now. Holly, are you listening to me?" Artemis tapped the helmet, which was now sitting on the table along with the book.

"Oh, yes Artemis I am." She said, lying through her teeth.

"Right. I'm going to ignore the fact that you're lying to me and go on. If I assume that we are all part of a fictional universe, it also means that our lives are all in mortal danger. If the writer somehow gets bored of us, we're dead. Well, not _dead_, but stuck in limbo, like a fairy time stop. That and the author could write any of us to be killed at any moment. I suggest we-" He was cut off by a quiet, sarcastic voice in his ear.

"Way to go Fowl, way to break the fourth wall. You do realize that this is the end of this story, don't you?" Artemis nodded and Holly looked upset.

"Yes, I do. But the author has written me to accept that, and you two as well." He smirked.

"Oh, fine. As long as they write about us again, preferably some time in the near future."

"And as long as the author never, _ever_ describes me as having giant boobs."

"So, Holly, now that that little revelation is over, do you mind a game of chess?"


End file.
